Dear Bowser, your princess is in THIS castle

I left The Super Mario Bros. Movie Without much opinion on Bowser as a character, and I came out a changed woman.

I knew he was the big bad guy and wanted to kidnap Princess Peach, but that was about it. Most of my Mario familiarity comes from Mario Party and Mario Kart games, which are mostly about having fun with friends in local multiplayer settings, not diving into the lore of the Mushroom Kingdom. Going into the movie, I expected Bowser to be the same big bad guy – and I was right, to an extent.

But The Super Mario Bros. Movie The version of Bowser isn’t just the King of Koopas who selfishly wants to kidnap a princess – he actually has a huge ol’ crush on her, and thinks she’s the coolest, prettiest girl in the world. In Bowser’s voice, Jack Black masterfully veers between emperor and a concerned dude who just wants his crush to notice him. Not only does he practice his marriage proposal with Kamek, his Magikoopa advisor, but he also writes an entire song for her on the piano, “Peaches, Peaches, Peaches, Peaches, Peaches,” in the same improvised manner that I then use. I do when I make up songs about my cat on the spot. Beneath that formidable and powerful exterior, lies an awkward, shy personality who blushes when her crush does something cute.

In short, dear reader, this version of Bowser won my heart.

I know people have historically been thirsty for Bowser for as long as they’ve been able to draw and share fan art with horns. I’ve long had a fascination with the sexy potential of the villain. I understand it. But at the same time, I’ve never really resonated with it, because Mario games haven’t necessarily been able to satisfy shipping desires. There’s no real romantic potential in them, and that’s okay.

But now I finally get a full sense of Bowser’s thirst. I look at the coupe, he is behind the rough, rough outside. And what a cute, sweet Koopa he is! I’ll kiss Bowser, too.

So, dear Bowser – especially The Super Mario Bros. Movie (2023) Bowser played by Jack Black – Please know that even if Princess Peach doesn’t accept your hand in marriage, Princess Petrana certainly will. I am not disappointed by your desire to conquer the world. In fact, it’s a bonus for me. I’ll happily rule by your side, so long as you promise to bow to me and hold my hand until we conquer the world.

Graphic: Petrana Radulovic/Play Gamez | Source Images: Nintendo, Illumination/Universal Pictures, Petrana Radulovic

The new Mario Movie version of Bowser isn’t just a capable leader – he’s got a sensitive side too! Yeah, well, maybe he doesn’t take the rejection with as much maturity as he should, but at the same time, I think Peach makes a quick decision about his proposal without fully thinking it through. She judges Bowser based on his looks and some preconceived notions! No wonder he ends up snapping. That’s insecure!

That’s okay, because his loss is my gain. After all, I had a romance with Garrus Vakarian in Mass Effect, so the fact that Bowser is a big, scaly reptile-man is a bonus for me. I acknowledge that this relationship has some work to do, but at the same time, I feel like I can fix it. All the elements are there – devotion, sensitivity, power. My other relatively recent villain crush, Namor, has immense power and ambition like Bowser, but still has a soft side. He just needs to tap into it a little more. We can work on this together.

Plus, I’d look cool and sexy as a supreme empress over Bowser’s empire and surrounding domains, but that story for another time. Peach may live on as a figurehead in the Mushroom Kingdom, but let’s be real: It’s not like she’s doing much as a ruler besides being great at the obstacle course.

(For what it’s worth, I asked my husband what he thought of my proposed arrangement with Bowser. He replied, “No comment.”)

Bozar (especially This Bozar Inn This movie), consider this my official application for the Princess of Koopas and your bride-to-be. I’ll wait for your answer, and practice my platforming skills.

The Super Mario Bros. Movie Is in cinemas now.